Help with home funerals: when it crosses the line
Posted By lisacarlson on November 13, 2011
As a grandmother to the home funeral movement since 1987, I have been thrilled to see the interest in home funerals taking hold around the country. And how wonderful that there are significant learning opportunities to help spread this movement.
However, I am growing alarmed at one of the trends I see: women (typically) calling themselves death midwives (not just home funeral guides) and asking to be paid for being present with the body, to help prepare the body, get the paperwork, and transport the body. Why am I alarmed? For two reasons. One, it is “acting as a funeral director” without a license. When the industry gets riled enough (as they have been in Pennsylvania and in Oregon), there are likely to be measures taken to limit the possibilities for home funerals, to take away that right that we have in all but eight states. That would be tragic!
Secondly, the very activities that some of these death midwives are doing or offering to do thwart the therapeutic involvement for friends and relatives. Having something to do takes away the sense of helplessness. Those in the helping professions often have an enormous need to feel needed, and this can lead to overbearing behavior. In at least one situation I know of, the personality of the helper was so aggressive that she offended others.
Of his wife Ann’s death, Jack Manning wrote “No Grey Suits: End of Life as a Team Sport.” Because I get “high” on empowering others, I’ve put together a checklist of the kinds of activities Jack assigned to those around him when he needed help. He didn’t pay them. They all felt privileged to be asked, to be included in such an intimate way. Your friends and relatives will surely feel the same. I am hoping that this checklist will be helpful to the home funeral educators, too. It’s fine to charge a fee for a workshop or written materials, but any hands-on activities at a time of death should be given away for free in order to stay within the law. That’s also consistent with the practices of religious groups that bury their own dead without charge or the Colonial women of the community who were the layers out of the dead.
When a death occurs, many people don’t know what to say or how to act. They might add to their condolences, “Please call if I can do something.,” not being at all sure what they could really do. Will you be smart enough to ask for help, especially ahead of time when the death is expected? Not all of these will apply to every home funeral, of course. Leave your suggestions as a comment!
Who will–
- Help with notifying family and friends, by phone or e-mail, Facebook or Twitter? Website?
- Be in charge of obtaining the required paperwork (death certificate, burial transit or disposition permit, permit to cremate)?
- Contact the cemetery, crematory, or med school to schedule delivery of the body?
- Bathe and dress the body?
- Make or purchase a casket, shroud, or cardboard container?
- Obtain dry ice or frozen gel packs if needed?
- Arrange for music?
- Contact any clergy desired?
- Arrange for flowers?
- Arrange for cleaning or housekeeping or pet-sitting?
- Arrange for meals or other refreshments?
- Meet out-of-town guests at the airport?
- Provide overnight accommodations for those?
- Collect and display photos or other memorabilia?
- Plan any service to be held, with or without the body present?
- Help if there will be more than one event or more than one location?
- Write the obituary?
- Write a eulogy?
- Video any events for the benefit of out-of-town family?
- Serve as pall bearers?
- Transport the body?
- Send thank you notes?
- Apply for veterans benefits such as a marker and flag?
- Notify Social Security if not already a part of EDR (electronic death registration)?
- Extend support to the bereaved after everyone has gone?
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Appreciated reading your perspective about this Lisa, thanks much for all you do/have done for the movement – I’ve had your Caring for the Dead since I attended Beth Knox’s workshop at the Waldorf School a few years back, is Final Rights an updated version of that?? Just trying to get a sense of how useful it may be to me…
Mary
Lisa, thank you for putting this into words and posting it. Home funeral guides need to stay within the law, or families will lose their rights to home funerals. No one wants that. Being enthusiastic and serving families are wonderful things; however, it doesn’t take much to tip over to being overzealous and ruining it for everyone.
Empowering families is what we home funeral guides are all about. I do a lot of teaching about home funerals/natural burials and it is gratifying when I find out that a family has gone ahead without my in-the-home guidance. I must admit, though, that I keep my fingers crossed that they have crossed all the “t’s” and dotted all the “i’s”. I’ve been receiving advice from Lisa since 2007 and she hasn’t failed me yet.
Mary,
“Final Rights” is indeed an update to the earlier books.
Lisa – Thank you for your heartfelt and thoughtful comments. I completely agree with your comments. I became involved with this wonderful movement in 1998 through Crossings and with their and my family’s help, conducted home funerals for both of my parents in 2001. Since then, I have participated in a few home after-death care situations in Maine, and am always impressed to see the pride and love that emanates from family members who have cared for a loved one during and after death. This movement is about reclaiming our rights and legal ability to care for our loved ones with the help of family and community. Hiring a “professional” is completely contrary to the core of this sacred activity and creates an opportunity to legally challenge what should be a very basic human right.
Hi folks, I am from Canada (co-director of CINDEA http://www.cindea.ca) and a Death Midwife. I see no problem in someone charging for being available 24-7 to a Death Journeyer and their family/friends over a likely period of 3-6 months throughout the whole of the pan-death process [Note: CINDEA only uses the term 'death midwife' for someone who is prepared to offer service before/during/after death, including funeral/memorial celebrant services.] Here, at least, the family has the right to care for their own dead: and if the DM makes it clear in the contract that they will only provide instructions and guidance to post-death care (and NOT hands-on care), then I don’t see what the issue is. Yes, you could say that DMs are alternative funeral DIRECTORS, as their role is to direct the family in taking care of all of the pan-death issues/needs — which is their right.
Pashta MaryMoon,
I am alarmed by the invasive nature promoted by CINDEA which usurps family control and involvement. You are promoting funeral director wannabes. Your “certifying” death midwives takes the cake for arrogance.
Perhaps surprisingly – as someone who calls herself a “death midwife” and is certified as a Home Funeral Guide [Final Passages] I do agree with your comments above Lisa. I do think there is a role (and perhaps even a “professional” role) for guides and educators in contemporary North American culture, but we who claim to empower families must be VERY careful to make sure that we are not doing FOR families what they might otherwise do for themselves. All different kinds of families desire and require all different kinds of support and services and I think there is room for all sorts of practitioners, in fact I feel thankful for the diversity. In my own practice I’ve discovered that the “job” of guiding home funerals doesn’t fit well with a business model in that I feel obligated to provide the least service possible.
I hope the following will help to explain why I feel connected to the term death midwifery and why I do not see it as an occupation:
http://www.ehospice.com/canadaenglish/Default/tabid/2786/ArticleId/1354#.UTS5iaJPjxI
Thanks for this important discussion!
Cassandra Yonder
BEyond Yonder Death Midwifery
Thanks for your comment, Cassandra. I learned a new word from your ehospice essay–psychopomp.
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